Keanu Reeves categorically refuses to give Whoopi Goldberg a lifetime achievement award: “She’s not a good person” Keanu Reeves is one of the nicest, most genuine people in Hollywood.

Whoopi Goldberg, on the other hand, was recently voted “most hated person” in Tinsel Town, a distinction nobody seems to be able to refute.

Reeves was chosen to present this year’s Lifetime Achievement award by the TV Production Committee, a role he was honored to take on…until he heard that he’d have to share the stage and present the award to Whoopi Goldberg. “She’s not a nice person,” said Reeves in a voice that almost sounded like he was addressing Rufus outside the Circle K, “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who made that mistake.” Justin Timberlake, Wynona Ryder, and Gloria Estefan also declined. They’re still waiting to hear back from Jackie and Kelso, who desperately need something different to happen in their lives, but nobody seems to be able to find them.“We believe those two are probably in a ravine somewhere after losing their social media following to the worst apology video ever recorded,” said Ravine Captain Joe Barron of the 136th Marine Paralegal Unit, “We’re just gonna start here in LA and go from ravine to ravine until we find them.” Others believe that they may also be in a shallower thing, such as a ditch or even a puddle, but everyone agrees they are likely dead from embarrassment, joining their careers. Topher Grace was unavailable for comment, once again leaving his dignity intact.

NOTE: This is borrowed satire